Better Watch Out, Better Not Cry

Yeah, I know. It’s even close to Christmas yet and I am posting about a Christmas book. I have this belief, however, that if Santa is a killer in a story, it’s safe to read even in the middle of summer. “But what is this horrific book that has tarnished the Christmas spirit?” I hear you asking. It’s non other than Collected Christmas Horror Shorts.Β 

On a side note, I’d like to warn you that I think the book may be cursed. As I was reading it (for a total of three days), my son would not stop singing Christmas songs. I cannot tell you how many times he walked around singing “Jingle Bells” at the top of his lungs. Once I finished the book yesterday, he stopped. So beware, the evil contained within this book is real πŸ˜‰

If you’ve been keeping up with my reviews, then you’ll know I did the Easter collection first. And just like that one, I will go through each story briefly so you can get an idea of the horrors and depravity stuffed in the pages.

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!

Better Watch Out by Willow Rose: Sara is convinced that Santa is trying to kill her after she witnesses him kill her sibling and boyfriend. She ends up in a murder trial…

 

Tommy’s Christmas by John R. Little: Poor little Tommy is stolen away by Santa, whisked away up the chimney to where Prancer and Vixen are waiting.

 

Naughty or Nice by Veronica Smith: Inflatable Christmas decorations come to life and kill people in a store. I think we’ve all been suspicious of those all too happy, air-filled Santa’s, with evil intentions clearly hidden behind their plastic eyes…Or is that just me?

 

All Naughty, No Nice by Michael A. Arnzen: It’s the middle of the zombie apocalypse and Santa and his creepy reindeer are still on the search for any remaining people during Christmas.

 

Slay Bells by Weston Kincade: There’s a lottery to be sacrificed to some kind of crazy beast on Christmas Eve. If you’ve been chosen, you get stuffed with bells and are thrown in the wilderness to be eaten. Yuck.

 

Santa’s Midnight Feast by J.L. Lane: If a box warns you that Crampus is inside, you don’t open the damn box! Obviously only death comes of it.

 

The Christmas Spirit by Lisa Morton: This one was neat. There’s a story within a story, which are some of my favorite stories. Did I say story enough? One more. Story. Okay, that’s out of my system now. Anyway, the couple end up okay, but not without a good spook in their haunted house.

 

Thy Will Be Done by J.C. Michael: This one is scary in that it could actually happen, and does happen. A man kills his family in God’s name. Rough.

 

Psychopath Remix by J.C. Michael: It’s “The Twelve Days of Christmas” but enjoyably all messed up.

 

A Tome of Bill Christmas Carol by Rick Gualtieri: This one is probably my favorite story in the book. Vampire Bill winds up living A Christmas Carol, but more in the style of “Scrooged”. It’s funny and ends with a joke and bet. Perfection.

 

Christmas Market by Amy Cross: You’ll never think of Christmas shopping the same. While out at the Christmas market, Emma soon realizes that she is being purchased for a spoiled kid in a Christmas market in a parallel world!

 

Deck the Halls by Xtina Marie: This awesome little poem features a murderous Santa equipped with his trusty knife.

 

Merry Fuckin Christmas by Kevin J. Kennedy: This is probably one of the more satisfying stories in the book. Alec has lost his family to a drunk driver and the guy got away with it. So Alec kidnaps the man, the chief of police, and a crooked politician only to kill them all, getting his revenge.

 

Santa Come by Peter Oliver Wonder: Santa is a rapist and killer. Delightfully messed up. Need I say more?

 

Hung With Care by Ty Schwanberger: A family, except one of the daughters, gets killed by “Santa”. The real Santa shows up and kills the murderer. I like the idea of a good guy Santa that isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty.

 

Killing Christmas by Andrew Lennon: I think this really is one most of us can relate to on some level. Christmas keeps getting shoved in our faces earlier and earlier each year. This particular character goes crazy and his entire world becomes christmas. He kills all his co-workers in his madness.

 

A Disappointed Shade of Blue by C.S. Anderson: A short poem about a sad, drowned girl. Beautifully done.

 

The Present by Israel Finn: An abusive husband and father is given a present from another world by his wife. When he opens it, he is sucked into some kind of crazy void never to be seen again. Gotta love revenge.

 

Christmas Carole by Lisa Vasquez: This was an interesting read. Carole is saved from a horrific beast by the devil himself. Poor Carole, however, is forever used as bait so Satan can try to kill the beast.

 

Stuffed Pig by Steven Murray: This could easily be made into a great movie. Four friends are attacked by people who are awfully similar to the Joker and Harley Quinn, except dressed in Santa gear. The pregnant Sharon is the only one to survive, but not without a fight. This was an exciting one for sure.

 

The Last Christmas Dinner by Christina Bergling: Okay, no judging! I am a mother of three and I love my children very much and would never do anything like what is done in this story! But damn it this story was awesome. A mom cooks an amazing Christmas dinner only for her ungrateful children to be lazy, not offer a hand, and keep their noses in their electronics. Β The mom poisons them and kills her lousy husband. I think it’s relatable in that any parent knows how frustrating it is when your kids don’t seem to give a shit about you. But most of us don’t act on it.

 

The Veil by Rose Garnett: A cheating man ends up getting transformed into a rat and is tasked with protecting the veil between worlds by sacrificing himself. Weird, but pretty neat.

 

The Night Before Christmas by Suzanne Fox: Santa sends a crazy, small, monster elf to exact revenge on Callum for being a naughty boy all his life. It’s another exciting read that would make an interesting episode of “The Twilight Zone”.

 

In the Bag by Tim Curran: It’s odd, that’s for sure, but also great. A monster bag eats people, but on Christmas. And it only eats the homeless who are truly suffering and ready for death.

 

Look, once you read this book, you’ll remember these stories during the holidays. And you’ll eye Santa in the Mall, suspicious of his intentions. You’ll avoid the inflatable Christmas decorations aisle, and you’ll stay up all night Christmas Eve. But, it’s worth the read! There’s something so delightful about Christmas being turned into something horrific…

Get your copy of Collected Christmas Horror Shorts here

 

 

 

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